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2012-05-04 17:22:44 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

2012-01-30 21:02:15 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 1 +1s)

Dear America, please forgive us for letting Simon Cowell loose in your country. You got your revenge by sending us Jersey Shore, so let’s call it quits before someone gets hurt. Sincerely, Britain.

2012-01-30 19:19:41 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

Why are those Fraggles looking at me funny?

2011-09-22 15:31:50 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 1 +1s)

everyone would you please add my wonderful lovely friend Christine D.

2011-09-22 15:14:43 (7 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

wow. so many people have me in their circles

2011-07-16 09:13:43 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 1 +1s)

i hate this fucking weather

2011-07-15 16:28:07 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 5 +1s)

SPOILER ALERT!
The whole Harry Potter saga turns out to be Harry's dreams and hallucinations while he starves to death under the stairs in his abusive home.

2011-07-14 19:04:46 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 2 +1s)

I have decided not to pick on Justin Bieber any more. After all, it was her parents who gave her a boys name and that's not her fault

2011-07-14 18:51:14 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 1 +1s)

The internet,

where the trolls are men, the men are kids, the kids are cops, and the girls are confused teenaged boys.

2011-07-14 18:22:34 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

I was so excited when I found a fiver in my bed this morning.

But this excitement turned to despair when I checked my teeth.

2011-07-14 15:31:57 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

"Mum, the TV remote needs new batteries. Where can I find some?"

"Check the top drawer in my bedroom, there should be some in there."

Worst moment of my life.

2011-07-14 08:49:32 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

2011-07-13 21:46:58 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

pretty sure transformers 3 is transformers 2 with a different title and megan fox taken out. dejavu certainly

2011-07-13 20:30:57 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

My motto in life is: "If you want something done right, do it yourself." Which is one of the main reasons I masturbate.

2011-07-12 20:17:05 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 1 +1s)

Scientists revealed the formula for the perfect cup of tea today.

Maybe cancer patients could have one while they wait for a cure.

2011-07-12 20:16:32 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

Why is it that adverts for Durex Condoms are banned until after the 9pm watershed, yet Tampax see it fit to ruin my appetite every fucking mealtime?

2011-07-12 20:10:03 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 1 +1s)

"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"

"Well, why don't you ask your sister?"

"But I don't have a..."

2011-07-11 20:17:20 (1 comments, 0 reshares, 1 +1s)

I just saw a young mother breast feed her hungry baby.
It is one of the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Unfortunately the baby's head was in the way.

2011-07-11 20:12:21 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

I feel like burning some calories

Someone fetch me a fat kid and a lighter

2011-07-11 20:09:43 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

New at IKEA - Lesbian beds. No screwing, just tongue and groove.

2011-07-11 20:02:59 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

BBC News: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year"

Fuck, what site are they downloading them off? It's free for me...

2011-07-11 13:21:28 (1 comments, 0 reshares, 2 +1s)

No matter how hard or far you throw a pen; it'll still be stationary.

2011-07-11 10:44:46 (1 comments, 0 reshares, 1 +1s)

I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups.

But I'm not holding my breath.

2011-07-10 13:52:58 (3 comments, 0 reshares, 2 +1s)

so many beautiful ladies on here

2011-07-08 21:03:50 (2 comments, 0 reshares, 2 +1s)

So am I the only English guy on here?

2011-07-08 17:11:31 (1 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

Statistics show that every person that has used a mobile phone will die.

2011-07-08 17:10:20 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 1 +1s)

Planking: Parkour for fat people.

2011-07-07 21:17:12 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

U.S. Version -
"I Like big butts & I can not lie"

UK Translation -
"You do not have a choice to like big asses nhưng vì your all a bunch of fucking cheese-burger eating, donut nibbling, munching cunts Twinkie"

2011-07-07 21:15:25 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

Any fellow telepathics out there?

No? Thought not.

2011-07-07 19:11:42 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

2011-07-07 18:31:24 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

They say wanking twice a week reduces your risk of prostate cancer. I've just had a tally up and must be immortal.

2011-07-07 15:53:36 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

I've just tried to woo a girl at the bus stop, but she wasn't interested.

Obviously not a fan of Ric Flair.

2011-07-07 15:51:21 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

BBC news: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year".

Fuck, what site are they downloading them off? It's free for me...

2011-07-06 13:52:12 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

I do not get the saying "If You Snooze, you lose."

I hit the Snooze button 8 times this morning, and I woke up feeling like a champion.

2011-07-06 08:47:20 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

thank you to the beautiful ladies that are following me x

2011-07-05 21:19:31 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

Paul Graham changed his profile photo.

2011-07-05 18:48:42 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

pretty sure there is a pigeon heavy breathing outside my window

2011-07-05 15:38:13 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

I got 99 problems, but I managed to consolidate them all in to one reasonable monthly payment and now I only have 1.

2011-07-05 15:35:22 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

Back in my youth, my body was treated like a temple.


In that it was frequently entered by priests.

2011-07-05 15:34:17 (0 comments, 0 reshares, 0 +1s)

I can't believe they remade Teen Wolf. Michael J Fox is so angry he's shaking...